I wrote a mini sketch (Christmas themed) that will hopefully go in a comedy show at my university.
It's about a Santa Claus being depressed because he doesn't get any presents. (I was definitely in the Christmas spirit when I wrote this!!)
Sitting down, Santa looks through the wish lists that children have sent him
Santa (mumbling): toy train, toy car, dolls house, princess fairy costume, keyboard, bicycle...
Elf: Err, hi Santa, I have a few more lists for you,
Santa: A few? (looks at the amount elf is carrying) That’s bloody loads; I thought you said these were my last lot
Elf: Yeah I thought they were! They just keep on coming and coming. It’s going to be a big one this year!
Santa (flicks through a few of the new lists): Give em here. Looks like I’ll be working all through the night now.
Elf (shocked): Come on Saint Nick, we all know you love it. Like you always say, it’s all worth it at the end of the day to see the smiles on the children’s faces!
Santa: Are you insane?
Elf: oh, I just thought, well, you’ve always said that Santa
Santa (sad): Have I? Well it doesn’t matter because who’s getting me a present? Why do I have to be the one giving presents all the time?
Elf: But you’re the spreader of joy, of love, you make Christmas what it is!
Santa: Why do all these ungrateful, whining, unpleasant, moaning little mongrels get them and I don’t?
Elf: You must be pulling my leg, you can’t be serious Nick! These kids they love you!
Santa (starts smoking): I sit here, day after day, slaving away for months on end, year after year, making sure every little insignificant little child is happy for Christmas and what do I get in return? NOTHING!
Elf: Well, you-
Santa: Who gives a damn about me for the rest of the year? I’ll tell you who, no-one! No-one asks “Where’s Santa? Is he ok?” Maybe a couple of times I’ll receive some crappy letter that says “Thank you” with some retarded drawing that I presume is Rudolph but looks more like donkey that’s been in a car crash.
Elf: Bless them for trying...what are you expecting, Van Gough?
Santa: And what’s with the fucking mince pies on the table of every single house I go in? Who thinks that I can eat that many mice pies? Have you met anyone that can eat that many mince pies? Have you?
Elf: No, but come on-
Santa: And all the glasses of wine! Don’t these people know I’m on a tight schedule? I can’t keep going to the toilet! And the carrots? I don’t even like carrots!
Elf: I think they’re meant for the reindeer
Santa: When I was younger, I never got presents, not even a tangerine or a lump of coal and here I am, expected to deliver presents in the thousands. I suppose I just started doing it because I was just trying to make up for the emptiness inside...the aching black void of emptiness. I thought that if I became Santa my mother might be proud of me. Doing all this good and all. But nothing’s changed. Why didn’t she buy me a toy car eh? Where’s my toy car? Why haven’t I got one now?
Elf: Err because you’re not 5?
Santa: Shut up
Santa (takes a swig of whisky and decides to flick through some more of the lists): They always draw me so fat in pictures as well. Doesn’t do a lot for my self-confidence does it?
Elf: You look great
Santa: Looks like I’ll never get a present....Wait, what's this other letter? (Opens)... looks different... (Starts reading) What? I don't believe it! It’s from someone called Reader's Digest! My luck's changed Elf! It says here I've been entered in a prize draw to win either a luxury holiday in Miami, a mini iPad or a year's supply of cheese! And it looks like I'm guaranteed a prize! (jumps up) Yes!
*Elf in background can't take the stupidity and reaches for cigar
.... THE END!!!!